049 and the Anti-Vaxxers

Conflict makes me very uncomfortable. This may surprise you given the title of this post. But since I currently have no followers and can't imagine too many people will stumble across this blog in the near future and yell at me in the comments, I figure if there's ever a time to dive into the deep waters of controversial mommy topics, it's now.

Since my first positive pregnancy test more than two years ago, I've been doing a lot of risk assessment. Bearing and raising children comes with many big decisions and each of those decisions - from deciding which prenatal to ingest to where the baby will sleep after they're born - comes with some degree of risk assessment. Will this supplement provide the essential amount of folic acid, and what will happen to my baby if it doesn't? Will I get any sleep with my baby in bed next to me? Will he suffocate if he's not in a crib? Will I survive this pregnancy if I don't ingest caffeine? Will my baby survive if I do?

With even small choices having the potential for negative consequences, there are many days when the burden of making decisions as a parent is a daunting, even terrifying, task. What if I screw this up and something terrible happens to my child? What if he gets sick, hurt, or even dies and I could have prevented it? Surely all I need is just a little more knowledge, a little more caution, a little less risk... and everything will be okay.

~~~

I was in a car accident with my two children a few days before Christmas. We were out running errands and while the forecast said "no snow", snow it did. The roads went from fine to terrible in about 20 minutes, a young driver spun out in front of me while merging onto the freeway, and I T-boned her driver side. It was my first "real," non-fender-bender accident, first time having the air bags deploy, first time with whiplash. The kids were fine, and although our only car was totaled we were grateful because it could have been so much worse. We were told by our insurance company that we'd need to replace the kids' car seats since, due to the collision, there was a risk that the plastic had been compromised. They would buy us new car seats but we had to trash the old ones or there would be liability issues.

While I was happy to have a new bucket seat (the handle got weirdly sticky while in storage between kids) I felt very uncomfortable with throwing out what seemed like a perfectly good toddler seat. It felt so wasteful. And yet, to use it again would mean risking my child's safety!

As a parent (or as a human for that matter) situations and questions arise on an almost daily basis that lead me to turn to the experts - to those who "know better" - to tell me what to do, how to proceed. Sometimes, as in the car seat example, I didn't ask a question, but was simply handed an imperative from on high. The data says This, the risks are These, so do That, and only That.

At times, such imperatives can take a load off my mind because sometimes it's nice to simply be told "this is the right way - do this and all will be well." But there are many more times when the advice, and even the imperatives, seem rather to impede, and even prohibit, one of my basic jobs as a parent - to make prudential judgments as to what's best for my family.

Our society seems to be telling us more and more to hand over responsibility to those who "know better." Between schools, doctors, and government agencies, not to mention the devastating wealth of information and opinions online, there seems to be an unending list of people who know better than I do how to parent my kids.

And because those who "know better" are increasingly in charge of providing rules and guidelines to not just a few, but all parents, the directions become much more black-and-white. Grey areas and prudential judgment are hard to regulate from on high, and so moderation and prudence are replaced with hard and fast rules, thus decreasing risks and limiting liability.

And so, I come closer to explaining the click-baity title of this post. Rather than advising mothers to exercise prudence and moderation when consuming alcoholic beverages when pregnant, we have a 049 movement. The rules for what you should and should not eat while pregnant seem to get stricter each year as more risks are discovered, and moms with severe morning sickness worry they're harming their babies by only eating what they can keep down. Because SIDS is terrifying and tragic we are told that no parent should ever put their infant to sleep on their stomach, even if it's the only way the baby (or parents) get any real sleep.

**Now, keep in mind my point is not that these are non-issues, but that it's our job as parents to assess risk and make prudential judgments as to what's best for our individual children and families.**

As parents, it can seem that we live increasingly in an environment of absolutes, of nevers, of never taking risks lest your child bear the brunt of your poor choices. And there's a moral tone to this environment. If you defy the experts you're not just a rebel or an independent thinker, you're a bad mom.

All this was swirling through my sleep deprived mind on the way to my Sweet Poppy's six month well child visit this week. When it struck me... the one exception to the risk avoiding, liability reducing rules, is vaccines.

Always vaccinate, despite the risks.

In fact, the risks are often dismissed or ignored because the benefits apparently nullify them. However, in this culture of extreme risk avoidance, is it any surprise that some parents choose to Never vaccinate because of the risks involved?

The Good Lord knows I am not looking for an argument (or even a discussion) about vaccines. I don't think I'll even reveal where I stand on that front. To quote a friend, I don't feel 100% comfortable either way, but as with the rest of parenting, at some point you just have to make a decision and accept the risks.

N.B.
Not to say that there aren't experts with kids, but when children are simply data points and there aren't real-life trade-offs to evaluate (e.g. first trimester puking vs. eating spinach and salmon) it stands to reason that the decisions become much more black and white.